Lump

So, admittedly, this is news that I should have divulged a lot earlier. News that effects me very personally. So here goes.

Back in December, I had a doosey of a kidney infection. While I had it, I discovered a bump on my right kidney (December 12th is the date). Thinking it was just part of the infection, I paid no attention to it. Well, the infection went away a few days later. The lump did not.

Now you would naturally think that I would just get it checked out and that would be that. Problem is is that was when my grandmother's health was beginning to go downhill and I was much more focused on her than I was on something that wasn't even hurting. Most days, I didn't even think about it until my hand graced that area and I felt it. At most, I would have a twinge of pain maybe once a month.

Then came Sunday, April 20th. It was in the evening, I remember, and I was watching My Boy Jack about the son of Rudyard Kipling on PBS. My grandfather had already gone to bed and I was sittng on the couch enjoying the show. All of the sudden I felt a pain in my side so intense that I dropped to the floor and was gasping for air. It felt like this massive hand was squeezing the life out of my kidney. I remember looking at the front door, thinking that it was locked and that there would be no way for the paramedics to get in and I could not move because of the pain. I couldn't even reach for the phone, because it was too far away. It lasted for, I believe, 15 minutes before subsiding. I should have call 911 then, but I didn't. I know, that was very stupid of me, and it was a mistake.

Since then, the pains have been dull, but increasing in frequency. I did some research online last week and of all the possibilities, it sounds like it's a cyst. After I made that conclusion, I decided it was time to finally tell someone. So, I chose Kati.

Kati is easily one of my best friends and I tell her EVERYTHING. There are times (like now) when I'm more open with her than I am with my own family. I don't know why, but that's just how it is. She's essencially like a nonrelated sister. We discussed all the possibilities and she told me that cysts are actually very common, but she was very concerned that I get it checked out.

So that's what I'm going to do. On Monday, June 30th, I am going to admit myself into Harborview ER (because I hear it's free if you make less than $1,000 a month-definitely me) and I'm going to get an official diagnosis. If all goes well, no surgery and I will leave the same day. If all does not, well...

There is one person that I have been wanting to tell this entire time. I did not because I wasn't sure how to or how you would react. If that person (you know who you are) is reading this, please call me. I need you now more than ever. And if it's serious, I will call you from the hospital. I will call everyone.

Take care you all and hopefully I will post again in better health.

Hurting

These past three weeks have been really hard on me. I've had great disappointments and sudden losses that have me questioning everything I thought I believed it. I guess the best way to start would be at the beginning.

So, as I mentioned, I tried attending Seattle International Film Festival. The event was sold out and I got thoroughly lost in Seattle just looking for it. No surprise there, considering I always get lost in Seattle. This I was more disappointed in, as I had been really looking forward to attending.

The next thing that happened was that I found out that one of my best friends will be moving to Papau New Guinea next year. She will be on a missions trip and she will possibly be there for good. While I am really excited that she will be having a dream of hers come true, I will miss her greatly.

The third thing to happen to me is that my new digital camera had disappeared. This is the same digital camera that I had on my trip to Texas, whichs still has photos of the trip on it. I honestly don't know whether it was stolen or I completely misplaced it. Either way, I have no clue as to where it could have gone and believe me when I say that I've searched everywhere for it. I even began to clean my room, which almost never happens.

The final blow is actuall two part. The first part-the major part-is that yesterday I lost my job at Poverty Bay. While I was admittedly having difficulties there, I loved that job and the people that I worked with. I enjoyed going into work and no matter how challenging the day was, I still enjoyed it. The owner (it's a mom and pop shop) was almost in tears when she let me go and told me that everyone there loved me as well. I ran into one of my old coworkers and she said that everyone is taking it as hard as I am. The second part to this is that when I posted a comment on one of my friends' myspace page, she responded by deleting me.

So here I am. I feel like I am about to slip into another deep bout of depression. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I honestly don't know who I can turn to. And the reason why I'm telling you all is that I know the very worst thing I could do is to keep this inside me.

I don't know.

I hope all of you out there are doing well. The biggest thing I need right now is a friend.