Can't sleep

As you can tell by the time that I'm posting this, my insomnia is back in full force. I can't shut my mind off, no matter how hard I try. With the massive stress of a new job, I just can't unwind at night. My mind keeps going over past mistakes, both job related and otherwise. I hate it when this happens.

The last time this happened was last summer. I had just started college and work was being, how should I say, difficult. I had also just found out (which I think was what triggered it in the first place) that someone I had loved dearly had gotten married. Obviously not to me. It went on for literally months until my life (and job) started to calm down and an old friend from high school came back into my life.

What was the trigger this time? New job. At least, that's my best guess. Oh sure, I have some other massive stress related issues; but for me to suddenly start to loose sleep, it's got to be the new job. Then again, it might be something else altogether.

I know what I said earlier, about how much I love it there at Starbucks. What I don't believe I mentioned was how everything is on the go. From the time you start on to the time you clock out, you are constantly moving. On top of it all, I have caught several coworkers talking about me behind my back. I know I'm the new guy, but could you at least wait until I'm not there to talk about me.

So I have the big pressure of learning everything and failing miserably on somethings hanging over my head; on top of home issues that I'm not going to get into; and on top of it all, the one person who I would love to tell about all this, the very person who I used to be able to tell anything to and talk for hours about everthing and anything, I no longer can. I miss this person deeply and there seems to be nothing I can do to bring this person back.

Thus, I go without sleep-again. I get to have my nerves frayed-again. I am going out of my mind and there is nothing I can do about it.

Starbucks

So as of three days ago, I started working at Starbucks. I must say, I enjoy it immensely, esecially because I'm once again working my butt off. The shifts feel long, but they are also over before you realize it. And you would not believe how much there is to learn about coffee. It's crazy. Expect a lot of late night postings from now on, because that's now the only free time that I have.

Other than that, there's not a whole lot going on with me. My back is once again feeling better-tired, but better. No more spasms, which is always a good thing. It's still pretty much the same ol', same ol'. Now that I'm working there, I have zero free time. I'm not complaining, mind you, just noting.

Anywho, that's it for now. If anything good or dramatic happens I will let you guys know. Stay safe out there. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I hate my back!

So last Thursday, I spent all day helping out my grandfather by doing some much needed yard work. This included weed wacking, sawing up a fallen tree limb, and (what probably caused all of this) picking up two sections of his fence that had fallen in the storm last winter and moving them to a better location. While it was a good work out for the rest of my body, my back didn't appreciate it. At all.

I woke up Friday morning to a not so little sensation I like to call back spasms. Plural. I have had them ever since. And when my back is not spasming, it still hurts. I spent the weekend with a couple friends getting some much needed rest. It helped a little, but low and behold, the pain is back. I've tried stretching and heat and lots of pain medication. It all helps, but the pain and the spasms come back.

I am not a happy camper.

What do Seattle, Chicago, and Boston have in common? All three cities have a baseball team with die hard loyal fans despite their teams records. I, myself, am a Mariners fan and it looks like they might actually stand a chance this year. (Don't' worry, I just knocked on some wood.)

The game tonight, for example had a really bad start. Felix Hernandez, the brilliant starter who the other day pitched the entire game and gave up one hit, gave up a few runs in the first inning before taking himself out of the game. It turns out that he had some tightness in his pitching elbow, which was quite evident. The team was kind of in a slump for most of the game and then almost pulled it out in the seventh inning. For the rest of the game it was intense as to whether or not they would be able to pull it out of the bag. It was close, but they still lost. By the way, they were playing the Minnesota Twins, who basically gave the Mariners a spanking the night before. They almost pulled it through. Almost.

So there you have it. I consider myself a die hard Mariners fan. Say what you will about them, but they have the heart, as well as the skill.

Certainty? In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. -Benjamin Franklin

So I hate the tax season. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind getting money back from the government every year. But, come on now, are they trying to make it is as confusing as possible? I swear, every year, it seems to get more and more puzzling and nonsensical.

Have you looked at the tax booklet this year? I'm looking at it right now and I'm getting the headache back. All I'm even doing is looking at it and already all the tension is back. There's at least five major forms that you have to fill out, and if you don't know which one that you are supposed to fill out, there is even more confusion. I spent most of last week trying to hunt down a missing W-2 and then trying to figure out which form I have to fill out now that I am a college student with college loans. Oy vey!

Can't there be an easier way? It's all I'm asking.

Love is a many splendid (and frightening) thing

I have been trying to mentally equate what it is like to be in love. I haven't had much success at it (equating), so the best I could come up with is it's a lot like skydiving when you are afraid of heights. All the way up in the plane, your stomach is in your throat, your hands are sweating buckets, and your heart is beating Mach 10. You can't think of anything else, no matter how much you try. And once the plane reaches the right altitude and the door opens, everything you are experiencing is increased tenfold. And yet you still take the plunge.

On the way, you experience turbulence. Lots of turbulence. Everyone tells you that this is normal and all you have to do is just ride it out. You're going to be just fine. This doesn't decrease the turbulence any less, but it does help you get through it. And once you hit a truly smooth patch, you're on top of the world. You're flying without wings. The view is breathtaking and you want to hold onto that moment forever. And then you get more turbulence and you have to remind yourself to just ride it out and that everything will just be okay.

There is also the matter of trust. You are putting all of your faith and trust in that once you pull the cord, the chute will open. Sure, you've heard stories of failed chutes and ripped out cords. But you're already in the air, so you push out all the doubts that are in your head and trust in that cord and in that chute. The last thing you want to do is to lose that trust. Trust me.

So there you have it. That's the best I could come up with. It's the scariest thing that you will experience, the risk is astronomical, but it is all completely worth it. For the view is amazing and the ride is a total rush. Just don't lose the trust of the chute. Your life does depend on it.

Easter Poem
By Pastor John Berggren

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
“Child, you must trust Me and wait.”

“Wait? You say, wait!” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked,
And am claiming your Word.”

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance
And YOU tell me to WAIT?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive
And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate.
As my Master replied once again,
“You must trust me and wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, “So I’m waiting…for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said,
“I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give,
And pleased you would be.
You would have what you want-but you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You’d not know the power that I give to the faith;
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me.
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You’d never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You’d know that I give and I save…(for a start),

By you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that “My grace is sufficient to you.”
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still,
“TRUST ME AND WAIT!”

I guess it's kind of fitting the fact that I'm posting a blog on life on Good Friday. I've been thinking about the subject a lot lately. Life can be very confusing at times, and this is definitely one of those times. It's not a roller coaster for me at the moment, but it is more of a struggle.

This probably is making zero sense at the moment and I don't blame you. I haven't been thinking too clearly lately (ask anyone) and I'm not sure if that will change in the near future. I have a full plate and daily it seems to gather more onto it. Life is becoming an overabundance of confusion-both good and bad. I literally wonder each morning when I wake up whether or not if it is going to be a good day or not.

I assure you that the only drug I am taking is caffeine and even that I'm not having as much as I usually do. No, the thing that is driving my life nuts is, well, life. Each day has the greatest potential to be the best day I've lived on this planet and very much the opposite as well. I am very much in love with someone who isn't too fond of my existence. Unrequited love is, I guess, the best way to describe it. And it's making my life a living yo-yo. Which is why I am so turbulent at the moment. Not hostile, mind you, just turbulent.

Anyway, back on the subject of life, I have come to the realization that it all boils down to how you treat your fellow human being. Those who live their life always on the attack are wasting what precious time they have here; and those who spend it showing kindness are spending it wisely. This actually is in reference to a relationship that is not my own, but someone close to me who will go unnamed.

Those who live their life with an eternal chip on their shoulder will never do anything about it because that would require changing who they are. These kind of people are generally easy to spot because they are always trying to pick fights with everyone around them. If you are fortunate, you are able to just avoid them and move on with your life. If you are truly unfortunate, you wind up marrying this person only to realize what kind of a person they really are. Again, I am not naming names.

There honestly is nothing wrong with serving your fellow human being. We are all of the same species, so why not make life easier for one another while we are here. In fact, I find that it is those who spend their lives competely selfless to be the ones who are living it the most. I'm not saying you shouldn't take care of your own needs, I'm just saying that it is always better to live life for someone other than yourself. If more people did just one total random act of kindness, every single day that they live, they will have no regrets when they die.

Anyway, so there you have it. You can either take it or leave it. It's entirely up to you. I hope you guys all have a good Easter and I hope to post again real soon.