October 28th

There is a subject that I write about very little on here. A subject that I rarely talk about; even with either friends and family. Nevertheless, it is a topic that is extremely near and dear to my heart. I'm talking about the death of my Dad.

Let me begin this with saying that he was the best Dad I could ever have asked for. One thing that very, very few people know about me is that he was not my biological father. Where my biological father is, I honestly could care less. That man left my life at a very early age and I would like to keep it that way.

But the Dad that I had was beyond incredible. He was so supportive of both my sister and I and he loved his wife with all of his heart. He was beyond devoted to her and he cherished her more than all the gold in the world. He raised us and made us his own. We took his last name unofficially and when I was a junior in high school, I made it official. I bear my last name with a true badge of honor, because of what it represents and who gave it to me.

He taught me so many lessons and most of who I am today is because of him. He was the ultimate family man and he gave his everything for us.

This is one of the main reasons why his passing almost four years ago has impacted me so much. For most of his life he suffered with a lung condition called Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder (COPD) as well as asthma. Towards the end of his life, he literally fought for every breath that he took. The thing of it is, since I was still living with my parents at the time, I hadn't realized this. It was just how it was. But he did.

The Sunday before he passed on, he was adamant that we go to church. It had been a while since we had gone, so we didn't think anything of it. We went, and then the next day it was back to work. All three of us were living in Auburn, but working in North Bend. So a day of work was literally a day we were gone all day.

His last day was a Tuesday. I am so grateful that we all had the day off and we spent it together as a family. I can still see the sunset that he pointed out to us. The most brilliant and beautiful sunset I had ever seen and even now. We went home and spent the evening together watching TV. Like most families, this was a daily occurrence, but I am grateful for it. We all were scheduled to work the next day, so we turned in at relatively the same time.

I remember it happened just after eleven. I heard some commotion and I got out of bed to see what was going on. My mom was in the doorway of their bedroom screaming and I saw him laying on the floor. She yelled at me to go help the paramedics find the house and I left with this massive spotlight of a flashlight that he had. I'm not sure if I was wearing shoes or not when I left.

They were there within ten minutes and they did the best that they could. I have no clue how many times they tried to resuscitate him, but they only stopped after they were finally able to convince us that he wasn't coming back. As an interesting twist of fate, one of the firefighters who responded to the scene was the father of one of my oldest friends; who also was there, but I don't remember seeing him. And the volunteer chaplain that was there was none other than our pastor, who also presided over the memorial.

Most of that night is buried in my subconscious. I don't have flashbacks anymore, and I'm finally able to talk about that night without bursting into tears. He was cremated and his ashes are at Tahoma National Cemetery; because he was in the Navy during the Vietnam War.

The four year anniversary of his passing is this Sunday. I will be spending the entire day with my mother, who I don't see as much as I would like to. And those who have read this blog before know, on August 26th I received my very first tattoo and I wanted it to be in tribute to him.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you, my dear readers. Take care.

Rarely do I post song lyrics as a post, but this one is deeply important to me. There have been times in my life where I have not been the kind of a friend that I would want. If I have ever been that way to you, you have my honest apology. I am and will try to be a better friend.

Friends Are Friends Forever
Michael W. Smith

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus

Good news, bad news:

The good news is that my elbow is feeling much better. I'm now taking Advil sparingly (unlike the copious amounts that I was taking before) and I am using it a lot more. Probably, still, more than I'm supposed to. But then again, I've always had the problem of not taking care of myself completely.

Bad news time: The insomnia is back in full force. It's almost three in the morning and I'm listening to classical music. Wide awake. Not good.

There's a perfectly good reason why. I miss my friend like mad. I could tell her everything and since we've been apart, there's no one else that I've been that close to. Sure, there's my sister, but we speak maybe once a month. There's a lot I've got bottled up that I would love to tell her, but I can't. I wish I could, but I can't.

I wonder if she's missing me, too.