Five years later

Today marks the five year anniversary of Dad's death. So far, I am doing well, far better than what I was expecting to be. It hurts, but there are no tears, only memories. This, I know, is how he would have wanted it. This is how I wanted it to be.

I have changed much over the years. Life is much more fragile and short. Not in a doomsday kind of a way, but in a way where you appreciate every moment that you actually are alive. After you lose someone close, especially a parent, you are constantly aware that the life you live will make an impact, no matter how small, even after you're gone. And there will be far more people at your funeral than you would expect. Even people you haven't spoken to in years.

This blog will not be grim, for there is no need for it to be. The depression is gone, leaving only the good memories and the few remaining "could've been"s. The hardest part of moving on is letting go. Is finally forcing yourself to admit that they are not coming back; allowing this person to be dead in your mind. They have moved on, and eventually you will have to as well. This is both painful and liberating. And completely, entirely, necessary.

This year has been hard, but I'm not goining into that either. I don't want to, and I don't need to. Time has healed the wounds it has needed to, even as the memories remain. I knew this year would be hard, not in the extreme that it has been, but even that's okay. It allows me to put everything in perspective; and allows me to filter out just what I need and don't need in my life.

I'm not happy, but I'm used to not being happy. I've grown used to this emptiness. What I am happy for is that he no longer suffers. He is in a far better place than I am. For that, I am happy.

I need to leave now. I will be heading to the cemetery, then spend the rest of the evening at home. Tomorrow, hopefully, I will visit my grandmother. After that, I will go to work. Essentially, I will keep on living. I wish you all good luck and good health.

Take care of yourselves,
Jeremy

Odds and ends

So, first off, I would like to announce that I have a new cell phone. I lost my old one about two months ago, and I was in the position Monday to get a new one. Not only is it a new phone, but a new service as well. I used to be a Cingular customer, but since the majority of the people I call are on the Sprint network, I decided to make the switch. It's a camera phone-something I've never had before. And I plan on joining Twitter, because, well, now I can.

Second, work is keeping me crazy busy. For the month of October, I have had a grand total of one day off a week (hence how I can afford a new phone) and I was informed a few days ago to expect more hours in November and December; what with the upcoming holiday season and the strong possibility that one of my coworkers will be quitting. So, if you are looking for a place that will be hiring, we definitely have an opening.

Health wise, well, could be better, could be worse. Last week, for most of the week, I had a massive kidney attack a day-not fun. It's since calmed down, and I deduced that it was just due to the fact that I hadn't been drinking a lot of water around that time. Something that I have begun to do again. I got over the cold quickly thanks to plenty of Airborne and sleep. And speaking of sleep, with my crazy schedule, I haven't had any insomnia problems at all.

I've been writing more. You may have read the poem I posted on here and I've been writing short stories for a big writer's competition put out by Writer's Digest. I decided to acrew at least a dozen of them before I begin submitting them.

My sister may or may not be flying out for Thanksgiving again this year. The deciding factors are the price of tickets (now that she has to pay for a seat for the munchkin) and whether or not her husband has any different plans. I only found out about that today, so when I know more, I will let you know.

Anyway, I think that's it for now. I hope to post again soon.

Take care,
Jeremy

Autumn

Tuesday, October 14, 2008 6:15am



The trees are alive with a frozen fire

No smoke is emitted from these flames

Occasionally, an ember drifts to the ground

Or else a gust of wind blows it all away



Crisp air revives me

It is filled with the scent of the earth

The hot cider permeates the inside of me

And I emit steam from my nose and mouth

As if a fleshy dragon walked down the street



Summer has already died and winter has yet to arrive

Empty corpses of pumpkins line the streets

And illuminate the night

As the childrens’ minds slowly fill with knowledge

Their thoughts often drift to All Hallows Eve night



As baseball winds down and football begins again

I take a walk outside

To enjoy this all again

The Cold and Flu Season is upon us.

Oh yes, it's that fun time of year for sniffling, sneezing, and all around achiness. Since I have been bombared with germs from customers, coworkers, friends, family, and random strangers, I too am partacking in the season.

Thankfully, it's just a cold. I normally get the flu this time of year, so I am definitely grateful for the downgraded version. I will be greatly surprised if I'm still sick, this time next week.

In other news, my mood has drastically improved this month so far. I made a goal to be as productive as I can this month; even if it's in little ways. I think that part of the problem with this year has been that I've been insanely busy, but rarely productive. I'm channeling and challenging myself and it seems to be working.

Also this month, I have been writing more. Already I have entered a short story contest through Writer's Digest and I hope to have more entries into a much larger contest that they are holding. It's been a while since I've written any poetry, so I might write some of that before the end of the month as well. If I do, and I like it, I will post it on here. So stay tuned.

Anyway, just a short post for now. I will write on here again soon.

Take care,
Jeremy

Wake me up, when September ends


Even though this is the first time that I have posted in September, it definitely is not the first time that I have been on here. Honestly, I have spent most of the month lacking either words to write or the desire to write them. Yet, with the end of the month drawing so close, I must post once more.


This has not been an easy month. No, strike that, this has been a typical month in an extremely difficult year. Turbulent, I believe, would be an appropriate term to describe 2008. It is most likely the one I will use, since no others spring to mind. Painful, trying, depressing; all very appropriate descriptions, but not as fitting as turbulent. And I hold no false hope as to redemption in the few months that remain.


Death has been an ever present subject on my mind; what with the potentially fatal accident (but thankfully not) that an aunt of mine was in at the beginning of the month and the five year anniversary of my Dad's death at the end of next month. Prayers of her recovery seem to be the only ones that God is hearing from me.


Finances, which have always been slim, definitely haven't been helped with continuing to receive doctor's bills. Finances have also kept me from getting tested as to the cause of the cyst(s) that also have been, well, a pain in my side. The lone light spot is the massive amounts of hours I am getting at work, which definitely help when I do receive the bills.

All is not lost though. The reason "turbulent" is so appropriate is that I have experiences sudden ups to the dramatic drops, very much like being in a plane in the middle of a thunderstorm (which I've done more times than I care for). My entire year has been very much like the seat-gripping-roller-coaster ride in the skies. There is no need to rehash, just read (or reread) everything that I have posted on here and realize that it is but a small fraction to what I have experienced.

Anyway, as I was say, I have a job that I love. I needed that year-and-a-half break from both the book environment and the standard retail environment to recharge my burnt out batteries. Food service is certainly not for me. On the same token, it also gives me more respect for those who not only can do it, but do. With the constant hours come the constant pay, which is putting me closer and closer to the black. Also, there is a good chance that I will be working with my former manager, although she only wants part-time low level work. It will be good to work with her again. She is but a fragment of my past that will keep me focused on the future.

A future that is ever unclear day by day. I once had the illusion of what paths each year would take. An illusion I lost five years ago and has been reiterated every day this year.

So, that is it for now. There is more to be said, but no time to say it. Maybe I will post again this month, but only time will tell.

August

Simply put, I don't have as much time on my hands as I used to. Hence why it has taken me so long to post a blog on here. Believe me, a lot has happened to keep me off of here.

I'll start with the fact that for almost a month, I had two jobs. I use the past tense, because I finally decided that the commute to Ben and Jerry's did not equate the hours or pay that I was receiving there. I knew it would be part time when I was hired, but I didn't fully realize the hassle and strain that it would create. I kid you not when I tell you that one day it took me three hours to get home, just because of traffic and such.

Speaking of working, for a brief period last week I had three jobs. The third one was training to become an election poll worker, which I will be doing tomorrow. Where I live, they pay you $125 for the day and there won't be much that you will be doing. I was told by everyone that I should bring plenty to read. The only snafu is that it's from six in the morning to after eight at night with only one hour lunch for a break. But still... If all goes well tomorrow, I will do it again in November.

The other job that I have is a Christian bookstore in the mall that I have worked in for in the past. In fact, there are times when this mall is my ball and chain. I thoroughly enjoy my job and I am picking up very quickly on the ins and outs of the job. My manager is impressed by how well that I'm doing.

The other bit of news that I have involves my kidney. For a while after my second opinion, I was pain free and feeling great. Then the dull aches came back and last Saturday night (not last night, but the week prior), I had another massive attack comparable to the one I had back in April. I told my sister (the eventual med student) this and she suspects that I might not have one cyst, but several. A cyst cluster, if you will. She thinks that the two attacks were, in fact, the cysts popping (which is a good thing-despite the pain) and that is why it didn't go away after the first attack.

Now, had I time, money, and insurance, I would have told you what the doctor has said. But the lack of these has prevented me from setting up any futher appointments in the near future. Speaking of doctors, one thing that I negected to mention was the fact that when I did have my previous opinions, neither one tested me for cancer. They just were trying to figure out what the lump on my kidney was and that's it. I am in no way saying that I have cancer-only that the next time I visit a doctor, I will insist that they test me.

Anywho, there's more news, but no more time for me to tell it. I hope all is well, and I hope to post again soon.

Take care,
Jeremy

Quick Update

So, thanks to a cousin of mine, I saw the midnight showing of The Dark Knight. I'm not going to tell you anything about it, as I feel that you should see it yourself. It is easily the best movie I have seen this year so far. When you hear the critics say that Heath Ledger deserves an Oscar for his role, they're not lying. It's that good.

Anyway, so as we were waiting for the movie to start, I ran into an old coworker from Starbucks. She's in school to become a nurse and has given me health advice many times in the past. I told her about my kidney and she said "You know you're supposed to get checked out once a year now, right?"

Well, no; no I didn't. This was something that the doctor neglected to tell me. But it's advice I am definitely going to follow.

Other news is that I am now officially working at Ben and Jerry's at Southcenter part time (not by choice) and there's a very good possibility that I will be working as well at a Christian bookstore in a local outlet mall as well (this would be full time).

Anyway, I just thought that I would give you an update.

Take care,
Jeremy

I just thought I would post this. It made me laugh. Have a good day.

Take care,

Jeremy

Lump- The Final Insult

Sorry, I'm in a great mood and I feel like being a dork. I went and had my second opinion yesterday. This one lasted the same amount of time as the first one (five minutes), but he was really nice and was able to feel around it without actually hurting me (bonus!) and said that it's either a benign fatty tumor or a cyst. It may go away or I may have it the rest of my life. Either way, he told me not to worry about it, but to keep an eye on it just the same.

I hope all is well with you. I am in a great mood, let me tell you. I had no idea what a relief a diagnosis could be. Peace of mind is a wonderful thing. I'm sure that I would feel different is the prognosis was different, but just knowing is wonderful.

Anyway, I'm going to go out and seize the day. Take care and I will post again.

-Jeremy

Lump-Part 2

So I went to the hospital yesterday. I went alone, which did nothing to help my nerves. But the worst part about it was the wait.

I waited for three to four hours in the waiting room and was either bored out of my skull or on pins and needles. There were people who definitely needed to be seen sooner than I, which was what took so long. Apparently we are in the beginning of "trauma season".

Anyway, the doctor called my name and took my back into a room that had four to five different beds for examinations. At first neither she or I could find the lump and she was pressing down on different parts when she pressed down on it. The pain was immediate and intense and she told me that I most likely had a fatty tumor, but strongly urged me to get a second opinion.

I will. As soon as I can, I will

So I shall post again soon.

Lump

So, admittedly, this is news that I should have divulged a lot earlier. News that effects me very personally. So here goes.

Back in December, I had a doosey of a kidney infection. While I had it, I discovered a bump on my right kidney (December 12th is the date). Thinking it was just part of the infection, I paid no attention to it. Well, the infection went away a few days later. The lump did not.

Now you would naturally think that I would just get it checked out and that would be that. Problem is is that was when my grandmother's health was beginning to go downhill and I was much more focused on her than I was on something that wasn't even hurting. Most days, I didn't even think about it until my hand graced that area and I felt it. At most, I would have a twinge of pain maybe once a month.

Then came Sunday, April 20th. It was in the evening, I remember, and I was watching My Boy Jack about the son of Rudyard Kipling on PBS. My grandfather had already gone to bed and I was sittng on the couch enjoying the show. All of the sudden I felt a pain in my side so intense that I dropped to the floor and was gasping for air. It felt like this massive hand was squeezing the life out of my kidney. I remember looking at the front door, thinking that it was locked and that there would be no way for the paramedics to get in and I could not move because of the pain. I couldn't even reach for the phone, because it was too far away. It lasted for, I believe, 15 minutes before subsiding. I should have call 911 then, but I didn't. I know, that was very stupid of me, and it was a mistake.

Since then, the pains have been dull, but increasing in frequency. I did some research online last week and of all the possibilities, it sounds like it's a cyst. After I made that conclusion, I decided it was time to finally tell someone. So, I chose Kati.

Kati is easily one of my best friends and I tell her EVERYTHING. There are times (like now) when I'm more open with her than I am with my own family. I don't know why, but that's just how it is. She's essencially like a nonrelated sister. We discussed all the possibilities and she told me that cysts are actually very common, but she was very concerned that I get it checked out.

So that's what I'm going to do. On Monday, June 30th, I am going to admit myself into Harborview ER (because I hear it's free if you make less than $1,000 a month-definitely me) and I'm going to get an official diagnosis. If all goes well, no surgery and I will leave the same day. If all does not, well...

There is one person that I have been wanting to tell this entire time. I did not because I wasn't sure how to or how you would react. If that person (you know who you are) is reading this, please call me. I need you now more than ever. And if it's serious, I will call you from the hospital. I will call everyone.

Take care you all and hopefully I will post again in better health.

Hurting

These past three weeks have been really hard on me. I've had great disappointments and sudden losses that have me questioning everything I thought I believed it. I guess the best way to start would be at the beginning.

So, as I mentioned, I tried attending Seattle International Film Festival. The event was sold out and I got thoroughly lost in Seattle just looking for it. No surprise there, considering I always get lost in Seattle. This I was more disappointed in, as I had been really looking forward to attending.

The next thing that happened was that I found out that one of my best friends will be moving to Papau New Guinea next year. She will be on a missions trip and she will possibly be there for good. While I am really excited that she will be having a dream of hers come true, I will miss her greatly.

The third thing to happen to me is that my new digital camera had disappeared. This is the same digital camera that I had on my trip to Texas, whichs still has photos of the trip on it. I honestly don't know whether it was stolen or I completely misplaced it. Either way, I have no clue as to where it could have gone and believe me when I say that I've searched everywhere for it. I even began to clean my room, which almost never happens.

The final blow is actuall two part. The first part-the major part-is that yesterday I lost my job at Poverty Bay. While I was admittedly having difficulties there, I loved that job and the people that I worked with. I enjoyed going into work and no matter how challenging the day was, I still enjoyed it. The owner (it's a mom and pop shop) was almost in tears when she let me go and told me that everyone there loved me as well. I ran into one of my old coworkers and she said that everyone is taking it as hard as I am. The second part to this is that when I posted a comment on one of my friends' myspace page, she responded by deleting me.

So here I am. I feel like I am about to slip into another deep bout of depression. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I honestly don't know who I can turn to. And the reason why I'm telling you all is that I know the very worst thing I could do is to keep this inside me.

I don't know.

I hope all of you out there are doing well. The biggest thing I need right now is a friend.

Seattle International Film Festival

Way back in '02 I heard about the Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF) and have wanted to go. Things like work and such got in the way of attending each year, but I am definitely going this year.
Opening night for the festival is Thursday, which is when I plan on attending. It lasts from May 22nd to June 15th. And for a film buff like myself, it's going to be truly amazing. I'm completely stoked.
For the link to the festival, it's: www.siff.net and it's updated for this year's festival. And yes, I do plan on taking my digital camera with me.

Sorry for another short post, but I have to run to work.

Take care,
Jeremy

Back from Texas

I'm just letting you know that I am back from Texas and I had a blast while I was down there. So much so that I am seriously planning on moving there. I'll tell you more when I have more time.

I know I said that I wouldn't post until after I got back from vacation, but this is far too important. When I visited my grandmother last Sunday, it was obvious how much she has taken a turn for the worse.

She's not eating, doesn't recognize anyone other than her husband, and literally spends all day sleeping. I have never seen her this frail in my entire life. Definitely even more so than when she was in the hospital in February.

Even though the doctors haven't confirmed it, it's obvious that she's not going to make it until May. This means that even though I'm still going to Texas (believe me, the tickets are nonrefundable), doesn't mean that my heart and mind aren't going to be here. I'm just scared that I'm going to be over there when we "the " call. I don't want that. I want to be here when it happens. I want to be with her when she passes on.

If you pray, pray for us. I need a friend right now.

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

That's right, I'm going to Texas. I try to have one vacation every year and this year it's going to be in San Antonio, Texas. My sister is turning thirty and I'm going to fly out to celebrate. I fly out April 29th and I get back May 3rd.

Now, I've never been to Texas. Obviously it's going to be hot, but my sister informed me that it most likely will also be on the humid side. I seriously doubt it will be as bad as Wisconsin or when she was in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and I know it won't be as bad as Florida. Florida's humidity was absolutely horrid.

She also informed me that they are prone to tornados. I've been watching the Weather Channel lately and they also have given tornado warnings. In a way, that's a good thing. I've always wanted to see a tornado and this may be my chance. I was also told about the black widows, rattlesnakes, and other "interesting" things I might encounter. Sounds like fun.

Anyway, I've been meaning to post more, but with my off-the-wall work schedule and lack of a computer, it makes it more difficult. I will try harder-I swear.

Take care and I will post when I get back.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

First off, Happy Saint Patrick's Day. If you go out and celebrate, make sure there's a sober driver. After all, there's no point in celebrating if you're only going to wind up hurting yourself-or worse.

Second, time for some updates. I am now working at Poverty Bay Coffee Company, which is a whole lot closer to home. Even though I am currently a kitchen grunt, I have discovered I like being a kitchen grunt.

The interesting thing about my new job is that, not only am I the only male working there, but I am the first guy they've hired in two years. Let me tell you what an eye-opening experience it has turned out to be. What little I thought I knew about women barely even scratches the surface. It is by far the most intersting job that I have ever had.

Moving on to my grandmother. She is adjusting quite well to her new living arrangements. She's happy and the place she is at is really nice. Since I have been working my butt off, I haven't had much opportunity to visit her, but when I do, she's in good spirits.

Anyway, I will let you know more when I have more time.

Take care,
Jeremy

Good news!

I have a couple bits of good news. The first is that my grandmother is leaving Virginia Mason today and she is being moved to The Regency in Puyallup. It doesn't really come to anyone's surprise that she will never go home again. A sad fact, but that's the reality of life.

The second bit of good news is that I just had a job interview with Orion Marketing and they want me for a second interview. They deal mostly with the local sports teams.

Anyway, I have to run. I hope all is well.

Take care,
Jeremy

The Pain of Letting Go
Monday, February 25th, 2008

Softly you sleep
Where your dreams take you
I do not know
Perhaps to another day
Perhaps to another life
One less cruel than this.

The IV sustains you
Prolongs a long lived life
Keeping you in this realm
Preventing you from going
To your true home.

I miss you
Before you’re even gone
Your honest smile
Your voiced concerns
Your many stories
And untold memories

Your mind
This slides down the slope
To an empty void
Escalating speed with each passing day
With no hope of slowing down.

Goodbye, my grandmother
These collective tears are for you
These worried thoughts are of you
We all miss you
Before you are even gone.

My grandmother is in the hospital



It's been about a week since I've been online. The first reason is that my computer kicked the bucket finally, so I am only able to access the internet at the library.


The second reason is my grandmother. She has been in the hospital twice in the last week. The first time was for a very minor heart attack and she spent five long, restless hours in the ER at St. Francis. This was early Wednesday morning. She was completely restless the rest of the day.
Thursday evening she was incredibly weak. We had an extremely difficult time getting her into bed. I recommended that we let her get some sleep, hoping that that would take care of the problem. It didn't.


I woke up Friday morning and found the house empty and a note on the table saying she was back in the ER. When I arrived there, she was lifeless and in and out of consiousness; completely opposite from 48 hours earlier. I honestly thought we were going to loose her then and there. She spent most of the day there, barely there. We finally went home when they transfered her to Virginia Mason in the evening.

We were up there around eleven, Saturday morning. She was happy and animated and looking better than she had in literally years. We had a good long visit with her and the entire time we were there, she didn't fight with us or the staff at all. I thought, considering how things were going, that she would have been released today.

Sunday proved me wrong. When we got there, you could tell immediately that she hadn't had much sleep. The nurse said that she had fought with everyone and considering how frail she is, she was extremely strong. Twice she had successfully pulled out the IV. She had barely gotten any sleep and the nurses twice gave her a mild sedative that had no effect on her whatsoever. They also discovered that she has been pocketing her medications in her cheeks so it appears that she's taking them when she is actually not. We didn't stay as long as the day before, because we are barely sleeping, as well. The entire time we were there she was completely aggitated and we had to keep giving her Kleenexes to rip apart so she didn't rip out her IV. While she recognized everyone the day before, she now barely recognizes her own husband.

So, we are taking this day by day. It looks like she will be remaining in Virginia Mason at least through tomorrow. Admittedly, I'm barely hanging on. It's so hard to remain strong for everyone else when you're feeling weak and powerless. Most of the time I feel like I'm losing my own mind.

Anyway, that's what's going on in my life. Sorry this is such a downer post, but that's life right now. I hope to post again soon; hopefully with better news. Before I go, I would just like to mention that should you ever go to Virginia Mason, bring your own aspirin. Of all the places you would think to carry it; they don't. Go figure.